FINISH HER!!!!

So needless to say. I am a worrier. I worry about things I have control over and worry more about things I have no control over . I worry about simple things, things that go by day to day. I worry about my job, I worry about my friends, I worry about my family, I worry about my finances, I worry about my brothers. I worry about my second life kids, I worry about my friends,  I worry about loyalty and disloyalty. I worry about my health, I worry about my sanity.  I worry about betrayal among those I love. I try to take care of others, I try to help them and draw them towards the right path. I worry about things so much I don't sleep well at night. I worry about the fact I worry. It is an endless roller coaster that seem to only slow down but never stops

 

The reason for this post is this.  My blood pressure was 199 over 200 on last Tuesday. I was told to take off work and relax by watching something funny and cute and not doing anything that would make me WORRY or STRESS. So I took half the doctor advice, I took a break from FB & SL and watched movies, talk to a few friends and family and worked on some small projects off line.  I worried about my job so much that I still worked, feeling as if I have turned most things off then I should be better, right? Right!  So on last Friday I went back to see the doctor thinking my pressure would be down and I would feel better. So not so, My blood pressure was 189 over 220.  I sat there as he spoke to me about my health and how dangerous my blood pressure was.  I worried then about how high my blood pressure was, I worried that I may never get it down. Worried that the medication he had already increased he was going to increase more. Then I begin to worry about my kidneys and how these damn meds could affect them. I worried that he tested my blood sugar and I was a scary 320.  I then worried about why that was so high and now the increase of my insulin from one time a day to three times a day.  I worried about how this new revelation will now change my already busy, confused, crazy, hectic life style.  I worried about who to tell, because I don't want anyone asking me if I am ok, asking me if I took my meds, giving me lectures on how I need to get my shit together because, Guess What? I already KNOW this.  I sat there with my doctor and felt like I was at the top of a building and all I need was for someone to run behind me and just push me off and finish me. I felt like I was in a mortal combat game and hearing the game voice over say "Finish HER"  I thought about how much I have tried to get it together and just have not been able to reach a point where I can. Then I thought about how many times I have said I would do something and just went another directions.  I feel safe no where anymore not at work, at home, online, in my bathtub where I spend hours in bubbles, and refill once the water gets cold.  I fear my life not where I want it to be and as much as I preach to others about doing what is best for them and loving themselves I am not doing what is best for me and loving myself.  In my bedroom I have some white Christmas lights ran across the headboard, lol, funny is I sleep at the foot of my bed. I unplugged them to pray and ask God to give me strength to get where I need to be.  I know, I am odd, weird, crazy, kookie, but I am ME, I make mistakes, I try to make everyone happy even if it means my own unhappiness.  Don't get me wrong I am not unhappy in my life, I am BLESSED! I have so much more then most, the things  I don't have I don't worry about.. much.  Luxury and Money to me are things that can be taken from you in time, my sprit and my love is something that has no expiration date.  So now, as I return to something's I have to put one major worry on hold until I get better. MY JOB! Yes, I was told by my doctor that things that cause me confusion, worry, sadness I have to push aside until I get ME better. I am going to take charge of me, make things happen for not only "Suga" but "Sam" who is behind Suga. If I feel any pressure I will log off Second life and Facebook and not allow it to get to me anymore. Your real life can not be turned off, but I can start enjoying my baths again, enjoying my room of silence, enjoy writing again (I have not wrote a poem or a short story in over a year bout time I start up).  I want to enjoy my life, I have fun in second life and on facebook but when it starts to make me feel like I can not focus I will let it go like a child who lets go of a balloon to see it fly off into the sky. This is not about anyone but ME and my sanity, my life. I don't want any pity, anyone trying to tell me what I need to do, I don't want anyone trying to push me towards a better self. This all needs to come from me, I don't mind supporters, true friends, people who are willing just to smile when I need it and not judge when I don't.  So I'm back, for now. Oh and btw I am going to do my shows, I have also started back on blogger again (that may last for a week lol). Missed you all, some more then others lol, Suga Kisses